Mommy & Daddy, Please Say No To Me
By Forrest Samnik, MSW, LCSW
Children instinctively know that they do not have the physical, mental, or emotional means to keep themselves safe. They feel very small in an awfully big world. They know their behavior gets out of control sometimes and that they need help making decisions and staying safe.
Children learn who they are in the relation to the world through exploration. They feel it is their job to explore the boundaries, and that it is your job is to keep them safely within the boundaries. One of the main reasons kids test boundaries is to insure that you will step in and stop them. They need to know you are in control. Reasonable limits are comforting to children because it means that someone who is capable of keeping them safe is in control. Knowing that someone else is in charge is very reassuring to children.
When children know they are doing something that is pushing or exceeding the limits of a boundary, they often feel scared. If the limit testing behavior is simply ignored, there’s a very good chance the child will test the boundaries further, pushing someone to step in and take control.
If a parent does allow a child to do something that has not been permitted before, the child will feel safer if the parent explains to them that the limits are being changed.
Make the new boundary very clear to the child.
Boundaries that are specific and clearly communicated work best. They are best understood when you have your children’s attention, when they understand what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear and when specific requirements, conditions or time factors are spelled out. For example, “You may watch 30 minutes of cartoons if your homework is done and you have taken your bath and brushed your teeth before 8:00.”
Setting boundaries is the easy part. Maintaining and reinforcing the boundaries is much harder to do. Following are the most frequent reasons I hear regarding why parents are not consistent in maintaining the boundaries, or have difficulty saying “no” to their children:
- Because I don’t want to disappoint them, or I want to make them happy;
- Because it is easier to let them have their way, especially when I’m stressed or tired;
- Because I feel guilty that I am unable to spend much time with them so I let them have their way;
- Because when they have a tantrum, I get embarrassed and it makes me look like a cruel parent;
- Because they say everybody else does it;
Children have a tenacity that sometimes exceeds our own. When children are constantly testing the limits, patience and stamina can start to wear thin. It is important to remember during these times that, “If I stand my ground this time, it will be easier next time.”
It’s also important to remember that we can always expand our boundaries but it’s harder to pull a child in if the boundary is not there in the first place. Boundaries will also vary from child to child depending on their personalities and what they need to learn.
But perhaps the most important thing to remember is children want boundaries even if they don’t admit it. Boundaries give them a sense of discipline and control that is necessary for them to feel the safety and security needed in which to explore and master their world.
Parents who set clear and maintain consistent boundaries, while allowing for boundary expansion as the child develops, are giving their children a great gift. The next time your child is clamoring for the latest electronic gadget, the newest toy, an extra hour on My Space, try giving them the gift of a resounding and reassuring NO instead. Remember, their job is to push the boundaries, but your job is to keep them safe inside.
Forrest Samnik, MSW, LCSW is a psychotherapist and life coach with a private practice in Palm Harbor. For questions or comments call LifeWorks Counseling & Coaching at (727) 781-6567.